This is a true story. It happened to me tonight.
This story pretty much sums up my entire, sorry-ass dating career over the past four years. I only wish the names could be changed to protect the innocent — namely, me.
For a week now, I've had some kind of weird, intestinal bug. I'll spare you the unsavory details. I'm not a sickly person, and I usually get over ailments pretty quickly and go on with my life. This thing that I presently have, however, shows no sign of improvement after a week, so this evening I went to the doctor to get it checked out. Among other things, and again, I will spare you the unsavory details, he gives me a prescription and I go directly to the pharmacy.
I took my prescription to a different pharmacy than I normally go to, simply because it was closer and I wanted to go home. I dropped off my prescription at the window, and a very cute lady is working the counter. No ring. We exchange pleasantries for a minute, and she tells me to come back in about 10 minutes. I picked up a couple of other items and was back in five in hopes of continuing the chit chat that had started so well. The chit chat resumes and it continues to go well. All of this is totally spontaneous, the timing appears to be perfect, there's no one else around, no distractions, nothing is forced, and I couldn't help but consider the possibility of...you know..."what if?" So, everything's going great, we're making chit chat and my mind is racing with "What do I do? Should I say something? I don't know what to say. Don't say something stupid! Say something! No! Don't! Think of something good and come back in a few days! But this is going well, strike now! No! You'll blow it!..." All the normal male psychotic hell that moments like this induce.
So we're standing there, directly across from each other, when the pharmacist walks up — stands directly beside her (so we're all within 3 feet of each other) and says to me, "you're taking this for diarrhea, right?"
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Yes. Yes I am. I'm taking it for diarrhea, that's right. I'm taking it for the explosive diarrhea that I'm presently suffering from. Thank you for clarifying that. AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT. Oh, and you know what?! Since I'm here, HERE AT THE PHARMACY, COULD YOU JUST FILL UP THIS OTHER BOTTLE WITH ENZYTE — YOU KNOW, BECAUSE MY PENIS IS SO FUCKING SMALL. COULD YOU JUST FILL THIS OTHER BOTTLE WITH ENZYTE FOR MY SMALL PENIS WHILE I WAIT, THEN HAND BOTH BOTTLES TO HER AND MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS THAT MY MEDS ARE FOR EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA AND SMALL PENIS AND I'LL JUST BE ON MY WAY.
THANK YOU!
I have a friend who's fond of saying, "humiliation builds character." Nobody has more character than me.
For a week now, I've had some kind of weird, intestinal bug. I'll spare you the unsavory details. I'm not a sickly person, and I usually get over ailments pretty quickly and go on with my life. This thing that I presently have, however, shows no sign of improvement after a week, so this evening I went to the doctor to get it checked out. Among other things, and again, I will spare you the unsavory details, he gives me a prescription and I go directly to the pharmacy.
I took my prescription to a different pharmacy than I normally go to, simply because it was closer and I wanted to go home. I dropped off my prescription at the window, and a very cute lady is working the counter. No ring. We exchange pleasantries for a minute, and she tells me to come back in about 10 minutes. I picked up a couple of other items and was back in five in hopes of continuing the chit chat that had started so well. The chit chat resumes and it continues to go well. All of this is totally spontaneous, the timing appears to be perfect, there's no one else around, no distractions, nothing is forced, and I couldn't help but consider the possibility of...you know..."what if?" So, everything's going great, we're making chit chat and my mind is racing with "What do I do? Should I say something? I don't know what to say. Don't say something stupid! Say something! No! Don't! Think of something good and come back in a few days! But this is going well, strike now! No! You'll blow it!..." All the normal male psychotic hell that moments like this induce.
So we're standing there, directly across from each other, when the pharmacist walks up — stands directly beside her (so we're all within 3 feet of each other) and says to me, "you're taking this for diarrhea, right?"
~
~
~
~
Yes. Yes I am. I'm taking it for diarrhea, that's right. I'm taking it for the explosive diarrhea that I'm presently suffering from. Thank you for clarifying that. AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT. Oh, and you know what?! Since I'm here, HERE AT THE PHARMACY, COULD YOU JUST FILL UP THIS OTHER BOTTLE WITH ENZYTE — YOU KNOW, BECAUSE MY PENIS IS SO FUCKING SMALL. COULD YOU JUST FILL THIS OTHER BOTTLE WITH ENZYTE FOR MY SMALL PENIS WHILE I WAIT, THEN HAND BOTH BOTTLES TO HER AND MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS THAT MY MEDS ARE FOR EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA AND SMALL PENIS AND I'LL JUST BE ON MY WAY.
THANK YOU!
I have a friend who's fond of saying, "humiliation builds character." Nobody has more character than me.
14 comments:
Awww, so that was it then? You know, working AT a pharmacy she may not have even noticed. And on the otherhand... it's always good to have your date realize you're human just like everyone else is.
...so you going back?
HAHHAAHHA!!
Your best post yet!
Only the truth is funny! :-)
Hope you get to feeling better!
i am laughing so hard right now. this is so incredibly funny. i think you SHOULD go back and tell this story to the woman behind the counter as you told us. that was good!
I can't get over the pharmacist asking that question. How does that help him fill the prescription? Shouldn't he just mind his own business? Does he verify every diagnosis before filling prescriptions? This is one of those infuriating situations where I would have stayed up all night thinking of smart ass comments to make to the stupid pharmacist, too little too late.
On the plus side, if you happen by the pharmacy in a couple of weeks, the chances are very good that your girl does not remember the whole diarrhea debacle, can only sort of vaguely remember you, and it will be just like Groundhog Day, the movie. You have two weeks to come up with the line that gets Andie McDowell in bed.
I kind of disagree with the other women commenting on your blog, though. I am apparently so shallow that, while I would find the story funny, it's not necessarily as romantic or sexy as I'd like an initial encounter to be.
But it would make a great "how I met your mother" story!
Kyra - I don't know. : |
Chris, Denise - Glad it gave you a good laugh. It actually gave ME a good laugh. Not at the time, of course. : )
Eve - I was kind of irked too, but I think their mindset is such that they don't even give it a thought, though with HIPAA, they SHOULD. In this case, I think what prompted the question was that no dosage was indicated on the prescription, and this med (Lomotil) is used to treat a variety of different things (I would have much preferred to have been asked if I was taking it for breastfeeding). Anyway, my guess is they can somewhat deduce what is being treated by a dosage, which I presume prompted the question. - Well, the story was meant to be funny, cause it certainly wasn't romantic OR sexy. : (
*LOL* This episode feels very John-Irvingish too me.
And I'm looking forward to an update on you going back there, I think it would be a good challenge, you know all those small steps, that as you mention, build character...:)
Oh my God, I literally just laughed out loud. Living with Crohn's has given me the wonderful opportunity to participate in many similarly uncomfortable situations.
(Sometimes the universe just hands it right on back to ya!)
Go back to the pharmacy...give her a chance. I bet she doesn't scare that easily.
I tried to comment on this yesterday and it never showed up.
I was saying something about having been on several medicines that were used in me to treat cancer side effects but the original purpose of the medicines were for STD's, which made me feel like I had to explain why I needed them. Honestly I doubt they care, but I can't imagine being in your situation. It is good you can laugh about it now though!
Oh John! I feel your pain. But, if I hit it off with a guy, I wouldn't care about that. Anyway, that is something you would see in a film, meeting cute. Years later you could regale people with that story. Because it's HILARIOUS! Your ailment sounds a lot like the bug a lot of my friends are suffering through.
And thank you for your kindness toward Upsie. It really helps to hear that others care about her too.
LOL! Id've been quite annoyed at the pharmacist, but you certainly walked out with one hell of a good yarn.
I can definitely understand your humiliation, but come on! EVERYBODY gets diarrhea once in a while. Most people go to pharmacies because they're *sick.* That girl's heard it all before.
If you felt a rapport, go back and talk to her again! Buy some Trojan Magnums. That'll get her attention.
Ha, Trojan Magnums. SJ cracks me up.
Man, that situation is just so wrong. Sorry, dude. That pharmacist should be shot.
:)
OK, that made me smile. I think because we sometimes try to make such a nice impression with someone, and then something happens to get in the way of that, like being human! ;)
And my guess is that if she's worked in that busines for any length of time, she already knew what that was for anyway.
~ZZ
I feel so guilty for laughing...oh my. Sorry. I'll just be going now.
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